Wannabe Martha

Still trying to figure out which Martha

Trudging Through Molassas

on August 25, 2014

So I finally went back to Mass.

Which is better than not going, right?  Maybe?

Then I cleaned house.

Both have been highly cathartic experiences for me in the past. 

Not so much anymore.

Maybe next week.

Maybe if I could just sleep.

 

[Edited to add – Tuesday Edition – there is every reason to believe that I’m going to stick my foot in my mouth and choke on it – probably all day long.  Or pick a fight I don’t even care about winning.  Le Sigh.]

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22 responses to “Trudging Through Molassas

  1. hearthie says:

    ((soft hugs))

    You have every right to feel blue.

    (sends love)

  2. Mrs. C says:

    Maeve,

    I’m so sorry to hear the usual remedies for lifting your spirit are not helping. Thinking of you today….

    Mrs. C.

  3. Mrs. C says:

    How are you today? The girls are getting ready for their 1st day of school so I thought I’d pop in this morning.

    • Maeve says:

      Oh Mrs C – today will be your first day on your own schedule! I was wondering when the girls would be starting back (I hate this school in August business – whatever happened to going back after Labor Day???)

      Anyway – I’m not sure I can describe the thing I’m deal with, but I’ll try. Well, I’ll be back to it in a couple minutes because I just got an e-mail with someone having the vapors and I need to calm him down. LOL

      • Mrs. C says:

        Not quite on my own schedule yet. That’s tomorrow. The little one’s first day will consist of a two hour orientation. I get to attend with her and sit on those itty-bitty chairs while the teachers explain how things work such as how to pay for school lunches, special schedules, separation anxiety etc. I’ve been through it twice before and while I was grateful for the info as a confused mom dropping my oldest off, now it’s “been there, done that” so I’ll patiently nod my way through it with moms who are 15 or more years younger than me .

        I hate the early start too. Most years it feels odd to drop them off in the midst of the summer heat. Although today here feels like fall. Cool, rainy and foggy.

        Anyway, no need to describe anything you don’t feel like. Although, you can vent if it will help you feel a little better.

        Good Luck with the “vapors” guy! LOL

      • Maeve says:

        LOL Mrs. C., he’s fine now – things get this way a lot (guy needs to be half way around the world by tomorrow and how am I going to make that happen)

        You know, I’m not so sure it’s that I need to vent – I feel like I’m in a sort of mourning (guess that’s the best way I can put it) – because I’m just having this huge crisis of faith (and I’m furious at myself for letting it happen) and I can’t figure out if I can get over it or get back what I’ve lost. I’m just so furious at having exposed myself to voices which took this from me and now I’m trying to figure out what to do about it. Just very very difficult.

        I’ll try and lighten the mood here I’m sure it’s time for my monthly food propaganda post (for September at least)

        (My daughter is the K4 assistant this year and she’s been coming home every day absolutely exhausted – “Mama, they’re such a handful!” LOL)

      • Mrs. C says:

        Well Maeve, I guess sometimes the only way out is through. You will be stronger for it even if it doesn’t feel that way now. No need to lighten the mood here if that doesn’t jive with things. It’s your blog and you can cry if you want to….remember that song? It’s my party….

        I can see why your daughter is exhausted. I’m exhausted with the folders and mounds of paperwork they threw at us this morning for orientation. They were describing the rest period the kindergarten children would have after recess such as dim lights, heads down on desks, soothing music or a bedtime type story. I was tempted to ask for a demonstration for the parents! LOL!

    • Maeve says:

      well, I’m generally a “get over yourself” kind of girl, but it’s just not happening and I’m playing a bit of hide-and-seek with the real problem, but I’m going half-heartedly on the “seek” part.

      On the other hand, it’s not really a pity-party I have going one, because there actually is a real problem. But have you ever had the experience where you can’t get your thoughts together enough to outline what’s really going on and you don’t really have a supportive venue for talking it out? That’s where I am.

      • Mrs. C says:

        “But have you ever had the experience where you can’t get your thoughts together enough to outline what’s really going on and you don’t really have a supportive venue for talking it out?”

        Yes, and it’s a lonely place to be. Prayers…

  4. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    Maeve,
    More bear silliness to chase the blues away.

    • Maeve says:

      That’s so cute Fuzzie. I also like the ones that are cereal commercials from the UK, I think. I know you’ve posted at least one of them here and they just make me laugh so much.

      I need to learn more about wordpress so I can put together a page of Fuzzie’s Favorites (the Irish Dancing Bears is still one of my alltime favs)

      • FuzzieWuzzie says:

        Maeve,
        It t does me good to give you a little lift. One of these days, I may find someone to do that for me.

  5. donalgraeme says:

    You are in a dark place Maeve, and it is completely understandable. It can be easy to lock yourself up in that place to try and keep the world out. At first it is comforting, but trust me, the loneliness will eat away at you in the end. So don’t shut out those who care about you, and wish you well. Know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of a lot of us, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

    • Maeve says:

      Thanks you Donal; I was reading somewhere (can’t remember the site now) about someone who was struggling with faith and determined to say the Apostle’s Creed every day; I may just take that route – but it feels so hollow right now (and that’s quite bitterly painful to me). Still, I’ll get nowhere if I don’t move a little.

      • Mrs. C says:

        Maeve,

        I hope you don’t take this as poking my nose in your business because spiritual things are also very personal things. Also, because I don’t know all the details of your struggle, this may be irrelevant but there is such a spiritual growth called “the dark night of the soul.” A lot of saints experience this at a very deep level and I think us ordinary folks experience this to a lesser degree as well in our spiritual lives. Here is a link that explains this a little more and how Mother Theresa was known to have experienced this. I could be way off base but I leave it with you to read or ignore as it may or may not apply.

        http://www.americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/preview.aspx?id=253

      • Maeve says:

        Mrs. C., It’s no intrusion and I thank you very much for the link and will read it tonight.
        I’ll try and just see if I can distill the reader’s digest condensed version of what I’m dealing with.
        I’ve always had an absolutely unshakable faith and I had a rock solid sense of God – even when He and I were on the outs, no matter how angry I was at Him, I always ALWAYS had absolute utter faith in His mercy and providence and absolute saving grace. I KNEW there was nothing that could happen to me that He could not pull me through. And there were times that it was only through His grace that I survived. I knew that with every fiber of my being.
        Except that’s all gone now. It’s be replaced by something horrible and I think I’d rather believe in nothing.

      • Maeve says:

        I knew I should have read the article first. Thank you! It was wonderful and strangely comforting (and I particularly noticed that aspect of shedding one’s notions of God – much food for thought). I truly appreciate it. 🙂

  6. Elspeth says:

    All I have Maeve are lame Internet ((hugs)).

    Saying prayers for you.

  7. Jenny says:

    You are allowed at least 5 years to “get over it”, that’s how long it takes me. It gets better. I’m on year 4!

    • Maeve says:

      I’m working on it Jenny – and the weird part is I usually don’t even let myself get that far off course, but I guess this was just one of those times things got away from me.

      Maybe it’s my innate impatience, but I want to get over things RIGHT AWAY. I don’t want to lose the time I spend getting over things – I know it’s not really lost, but it feels that way – know what I mean?

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