Wannabe Martha

Still trying to figure out which Martha

There’s No Such Thing As Sweet Sorrow

on April 28, 2014

I should be calling my brother to wish him a happy birthday today, but I’ll be lighting a candle for him instead.

His death feels particularly personal – he was all I had left of my family and for reasons neither I, nor his wife, nor his sons can fathom, he determined that life was no longer worth living.  It’s the kind of death where grief and anger are so intertwined they’re nearly impossible to differentiate.  Then again, maybe I don’t want to.  I miss him terribly and yet am enraged that one more time I had to be grateful, grateful, that death came; that a prolonged lingering didn’t suffocate us all.

Mostly, though, I wish he’d called me to say goodbye.





15 responses to “There’s No Such Thing As Sweet Sorrow

  1. Mrs. C says:

    Prayers for you and your brother today. So sorry for your grief….

  2. Elspeth says:

    Prayers to your family, Maeve.

    We are heading out to put flowers on my late MIL’s grave. Today would have been her birthday too.

    So sorry for the heavy heart you are feeling today.

    • Maeve says:

      Thanks Elspeth – some deaths are “easier” – a very elderly or very ill person; it feels like a blessing. But a suicide is so wrong and nothing ever seems to heal that hurt completely.

  3. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    I won’t link a bear video this time. That would trivialize your grief. All I can say is that you have my sympathy.

    • Maeve says:

      Fuzzie, as I read your comment it makes me realize that it appears he just died – in fact this is the one year anniversary, but it’s still so raw – surprised myself by how angry I was yesterday. But I thank you for your well-wishes.

      • FuzzieWuzzie says:

        I’m a little angry too. While I don’t the circumstances, men are four times more likely to do this. Should a man seek the help of professionals, they’re not likely to find it as most are unprepared to deal with men’s issues.

      • Maeve says:

        Agreed – it’s just totally unacceptable Fuzzie. A complete disgrace. And the collateral damage is huge.

  4. FuzzieWuzzie says:

    I don’t know if this will help or if you have already tried it but, consider writing your brother a letter and pour it all out. When done, consign it to the flames in your fireplace or bar-be-que. That may help purge the pain out of you.

  5. Elspeth says:

    Only a year? Oh wow. The freshness of your grief certainly is understandable.

    Again, heartfelt condolences.

    • Maeve says:

      You know Elspeth, not too long ago, my middle nephew (there are 3) posted a pic of himself on FB, wearing his Dad’s suit and commenting that he hoped it would look good on him (or to that effect) and I just cried and cried. There will be graduations, and dances, and dates, and confirmations, and weddings, and Eagle Scout ceremonies, and he won’t be there – he deliberately removed himself. I just am so angry with him; I know it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s just where I am. And I appreciate your kind words.

  6. Bike Bubba says:

    Condolences, and I can understand anger. I remember going to the funeral of a coworker who took his life as his marriage was falling apart, and while I understand his despair, I don’t get how he could have done that to his kids.

    • Maeve says:

      It’s really hard to see how much they miss him. Every so often I get a call or text or something and they want me to tell them some old story about when their dad was a kid. He should be the one telling them. But they’re such good boys – young men really, and they’ve closed ranks so tight around their mother (if I could hand-pick a sister, she would be it). Anyway, they’re a credit to her and to him; and I couldn’t be more proud.

  7. hearthie says:

    ((hugs)) I’m so sorry.

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